I still can't read this one out loud

Through grit and ground down teeth

I told myself I was proud

it took speaking it to the wind

for me to believe it

it took meditation 

for me to understand it was rape

it took the drip of his gaze

for me to realize it wasn’t me feeling sorry for myself

it took unlearning

for me to hurl this accusation back into the world

it took the sweat on my body

the exhaustion

it took the tears melting

and the way my sweatpants hugged my ass

it took my body

curling up in that same fetal position

it took me being drowsy

for him to feel empowered

it took his cockiness

which is synonymous with cock

it took me

by surprise

it took my resistance

and my quiet

it has taken me 

quitting the mirror

and oatmeal every morning

to steady

my lungs 

shake a lot these days

and there is a cloud 

too high in my throat

it hangs there 

while acid rain drips down my esophagus

it has taken lots of deep breaths

and acid rap, and lots of affirmation, and quitting to overthrow everything

it took my mom

looking at me over dinner

she told me in the purest syrup

and i waded through it to hear

she told me i was worthy

out of nowhere

it took it being out of nowhere

for me to believe it

it took the wet of my eyes

for me to realize she was right

i tried to hide my gurgle 

as I coughed, is this an intervention

my mom asked me

do you need it to be

and it took my silence afterwards

to breathe again