Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I still can't read this one out loud

Through grit and ground down teeth
I told myself I was proud

it took speaking it to the wind
for me to believe it

it took meditation 
for me to understand it was rape

it took the drip of his gaze
for me to realize it wasn’t me feeling sorry for myself

it took unlearning
for me to hurl this accusation back into the world

it took the sweat on my body
the exhaustion

it took the tears melting
and the way my sweatpants hugged my ass

it took my body
curling up in that same fetal position

it took me being drowsy
for him to feel empowered

it took his cockiness
which is synonymous with cock

it took me
by surprise

it took my resistance
and my quiet

it has taken me 
quitting the mirror

and oatmeal every morning
to steady

my lungs 
shake a lot these days

and there is a cloud 
too high in my throat

it hangs there 
while acid rain drips down my esophagus

it has taken lots of deep breaths
and acid rap, and lots of affirmation, and quitting to overthrow everything

it took my mom
looking at me over dinner

she told me in the purest syrup
and i waded through it to hear

she told me i was worthy
out of nowhere

it took it being out of nowhere
for me to believe it

it took the wet of my eyes
for me to realize she was right

i tried to hide my gurgle 
as I coughed, is this an intervention

my mom asked me
do you need it to be

and it took my silence afterwards
to breathe again

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